Beneath the sheets of the mind....: Q & A with X: Compromisin',Enterprisin', Anything but Tranquilizing

I've had the utmost naughty and nasty pleasure of knowing Xavier for over fifteen years-- as a co-worker, fellow clubber-crank caller-podium speaker-Samantha Fox fan-partner in crime, business associate, but most importantly as a FRIEND.

I am not famous. My blog is not read by so-called "big league" people in the BIZ. I am flattered that he agreed to this "mod" look at who HE is through my grey-green eyes and twisted mind. Of course he knows me well. His trust in me allows him the certainty that I shall make him a shining STAR, by setting him up with themes that allow his sharp wit to flow like tangy raspberry filling from a warm pastry.

He has done and will continue to pursue other more significant interviews with emphasis on promoting many of his fabulous new books or creative endeavors.

BUT, for TODAY, he and I will be putting a new spin on the predictable cross-examination.

I feel like this interview requires some background music. Vanity 6: Nasty Girl should start things off.

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X- I never met Vanity, but I did have a moment with Sheila E at a Christmas tree lighting that involved a glass ornament,a Sharpie and dark sunglasses. I then found myself standing next to Apollonia. Actually, is there any proof that Vanity isn't Apollonia? I need 7 inches or more.

Xavier, I must say that I am incredibly proud of your recent success with your books,blogs and blurbs! But, never was there a doubt in my mind that you'd find a way to share your humor,sarcasm and "sense of the world" with people who would appreciate you. To be doing it throught the medium of writing makes me even MORE of a fan!!

Thank you! And I of you!

Now that THAT is out of the way.

Claire Danes or Brook Shields for Latisse?

When I first read the question, I thought I saw "Lassie". So I'll stick with Lassie.

Lassie for Latisse.

You lived in Boston for many years. Could you tell us a brief story/memory of one your craziest nights?

I don't think there was any other kind of story but crazy ones. I have the pictures to prove it. My apartment was usually the setting and on any given night there would be seances,sex, blaring music often to a screening of Porn or The Shining. There were always dangerous substances, including one notorious dildo. I remember an evening where someone thought they contacted their dead Uncle and a wooden elf candleholder I owned BURST into flames. Lots of food and eating, straight men OUTED, casting of spells. There was even a child conceived in that damn apartment.

Do you believe that if you still lived in Boston that your writing would be different? Has L.A. inspired your characters?

Probably. L.A. is the polar opposite of Boston. I have had so many surreal experiences out here with the porn industry, Hollywood and the idiot quotient is a little higher here, so that makes everything more exciting. I don't think L.A. has inspired my characters, not yet. I am inspired by my hometown, you know, the one that Stephen King writes about in all his books? That one.

We had a YARD SALE inside your apartment back in the 90's. We served champagne from plastic cups whilst an American Eskimo dog spastically ran around a coke covered mirror. Could you inform our readers some of the items that were tagged for purchase?

"A Sale of Two Divas?" Ahh, yes I remember it well. Wow, was that illegal or what?? Serving cheap pink champagne to anyone who bought something!!? LOL. Here's what I recall being sold that day: Your Madonna SEX book and that's it.

I remember lying on the bed complaining about the guy I was dating while people milled around. I also recall my roomate shuffeling through in scrubs inquiring about chicken ziti broccoli. Oh, and my friend showing up in army fatigues and buying that sex book!! He took me out for amazing Tapas that night.

Choose a character of your liking from ANY book(including your own) to fit each of the following scenarios in your own life.(male,female or otherwise.... use your imagination).

Hot,rough,sweaty sex partner in the back of a pick up truck: Angel from "The Incident"

Personal Slave: Lucy Westenra from Dracula

Personal Chef: Dock from "The Birches"

Dinner Date: The Cheshire Cat from Alice

Which old movies do you wish you could have starred in?

What do you mean, WISH I starred in?? You mean I am not starring in one now?? I would have liked to have been in a Streetcar Named Desire.....as the Streetcar.

Is Sharon Stone still on your list of Faves? Why or why not?

I will always have a soft spot for Stone. She is set to play Aphrodite in an upcoming movie... Aphrodite works in a sex shop, by the way. How could that be bad? I think she has lost her mind a bit, but do I regret running across train tracks to yank a giant "THE SPECIALIST" poster from a broken frame? Nearly getting killed? Absolutely not.

Without naming names, please describe briefly, one of the most bizarre people you've ever met.

Oh man! If only I'd met some normal people along the way, then this would be easy. I met some strange cats in Boston. I think the woman who ran the sex shoppe where we worked was pretty beyond the spectrum. When I asked her if she ws excited about having a baby, she said: "I can't wait to drop this load!" I was 19 at the time and was trying to learn how to be a Dungeon Master. It was an auspicious start.

In 5 words, describe yourself on a good day. A bad day?

Good day: Driven,Hopeful,Resourceful,Intuitive, Hungry

Bad day: Irritable, Impatient,Frustrated,Hungry, Manipulative

Since we are on the number 5, which 5 STRAIGHT males celebrities do you believe are actually GAY(Chastity Bono excluded)?

Everyone is Gay! I have no clue and don't care.

What characteristic in people do you despise most?

Faulty logic

What do you think most people are hiding or pretending to be?

I think most people are pretending to be happy. I think most people are hiding the fact that they are scared to connect with other people and yet want to very badly.

Who looks more like a wax figurine- Simon Cowell or Mickey Rourke?

I love Mickey Rourke, so I have to say Cowell.

Huge, Medium or Miniscule Cock?

Lady Gaga: Huge

Donald Trump: Thick but small

Marc Anthony: Huge

Carrot Top: Huge

Clay Aiken: Medium

Justin Beiber: Who??

Sharon Osbourne: Huge and Uncut

What song accurately describes your life?

"Row, row,row your boat." Because Life is but a Dream.

If you were a newspaper headline, what would it read?

"STRANGER LANDS IN STRANGE LAND.... EATS EVERYBODY!"

Who's more sexually desirable? Dipsy, the green Teletubby or Paris Hilton?

Dipsy. I met Paris at a book signing and she was lovely but I'm into bigger men. Wait, is Dipsy the girl?? It doesn't matter. I like a curvy girl.

Three of your most appealing qualities in the opposite sex?

Great legs, a great sense of humor, and a great sense of self.

"Bring out the Helmann's and Bring out the Best!"- a slogan used for decades. How would you change this for the year 2011 to put a new twist on thee most delicious mayonnaise on the planet?

"Bring out the Helmann's and spread it on your chest!"

Blowjobs?? Why are so many women not fans? This infuriates me. I want a male perspective on this heinous fact.

Oye!! Look, I've discussed this at great lengths!! I've given advice, I've taught classes. Christ, the first time was in physchology class in high school. I have no idea what the drama is about. Then I had a realization; true ...everything men have is outside and maybe that's the problem. It's just too much to deal with all at once. Women might get overwhelmed. I also think there is a power thing going on. I've heard from many women that they feel they are being submissive when they suck cock. I think the opposite is true. When you've got your teeth close to the head of a dick, you've pretty much got the world in your hands. I've also recently suggested that if you want more oral sex, keep a warm jar of caramel by your bed. Dip your cock in caramel and see how THAT works.

Concluding this enlightening interrogation with the final question about sucking cock seems appropriate.

I'd love to have conducted this interview On the Banks of Plum Creek or By The Shores of Silver Lake, IN PERSON. Instead, I am sitting at my computer, in Beantown, where we first met over a Pot 'O Gold, while gyrating Spanish cooks tried to lure us into the basement by offering us special white powder. I took my mind to the many memories we shared and this inquiry was fructified, just like the rasberry jam oozing from the aforementioned tart.

I feel as enlightened as when I learned the Sorceress was Teela's mother on He-Man. Much more so!!!

I thank you from the bottom of my heart and the cherries on my panties for taking time out of your hectic schedule to amuse and delight me! You will always be treasured for being yourself and letting me partake in your witticism.

Thank you La Dama Darci! If your readers want MORE(and why wouldn't they?), they can check me out at www.xavieraxleson.com